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PrivacyToday I will talk about privacy topic. The book said Westerners need privacy.
"It is the topic that tends to puzzle Thais. Thai people always want to be good hosts and offer their guest continuous attention. But Westerners need some private time alone to recharge. Thais like to go out in a family outings, vacations, and trips to the market in a large herd in order to keep each other company. Everyone crams into a car and caravans off together, sticks together during the outing even if they must patiently wait hours for each other and heads back together. Western boyfriend being towed around by their Thai families, find this kind of outing exhausting and frustrating. First, he is uncomfortable being packed together with others like sardines. Second, he finds all the waiting around to be a waste of time. He might prefer split up in small groups so that individual has more control over where they go and what they do, without worrying about the others. Westerners sometimes has to get used to this aspect of Thai outings. Finally, the Thai family usually not ask if he wants to go on the outing, or even tell him what is going on, and this drives him crazy! It's the ultimate loss of control for him. Please keep your boyfriend informed and give him the opportunity to opt out!
Moreover Thai relatives sometimes like to ask privacy questions in group (in front of everyone). Please let them know that it makes Westerners feel uncomfortable. They consider these nosy questions."
For myself, I think I am a mix thai-western type. I can really enjoy going in groups but I think generally also prefer to small group that I have control over what to do and when....I don't like waiting around so much.
Cross Culture Relationship 1Last week after work I wanted to relax a bit. But you know in Bankok it is a horrible place. There is really no pleasent place for you to easily take a nice walk. I couldn't go into a forest close by or I couldn't just bike to feel the cool breeze on my face. (Wake up!) So, I just took a walk down the crowded streets with people of every race (sometimes along with some rats -- definitely not cute ones), wild bars and cloth shops. I was suffocating with all these pollutions. I walked further and ended up at the air-conditioned shopping mall. Ok, it was a bit better. I went in there wondering around alone. I went shopping without any intention to buy anything but I ended up buying some clothes and picked up some books. I was bored alone in a big city.
Anyway, I got a book about Thai-Westerner cross culture relationship (Thailand Fever by Christ and Wanida) and I would like to share this. Well, yeah I am in it but not only that. I am in it with a huge distance between us.
I went to Holland to get a degree. To my surprise, besides a degree I've found love and I was head over heels. The reality woke me up when I had to return home. What to do? Is it for real? I cried for a whole month and a half once I got back home. Well, until now I still couldn't get over how much I miss him on the daily basis. Ok, you got an idea.
Now here it goes:
It all comes down to understanding each other culture. Never forget that you grew up in cultures that developed seperately over thousands of years. You must understand that you two do not share some of the beliefs and values you have taken for granted your whole life. You must be open-minded in ways you've probably never considered. Compromise is very important. You don't have to agree on every issue, but you do have to understand each other's point of view.
The Basic values = values that give one self-esteem and motivate their actions.
Of course both cultures share values to some extent but it is the question of which values have the most influence in making a person do what they do.
Values that are most highly prized in Western culture are: independence, fairness, and equality
And Thai's fundamental values are: generosity, avoiding confrontation, and saving face
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Regardless of which country he is from, chances are good that he will dis play common Western behaviors and instincts that have been molded by his cultural upbringing and he may not be concious. The things that matter most for him and he will suffocate without them.
Independence
Independence is the ability to control all aspects of your life: what you will study, where you work, whom you hang out with, whom you marry. In order to be independent, you must have:
- The courage to try to make it on your own instead of in a group
- The confidece (or strength of character) to assert your beliefs and opinions even though others may disagree
- The job and life skills to making a living in society by yourself, without depending on the help of anyone else.
Western and Thai parents teach their children a variety of life skills but these lessons have a completely different motivation.
A Thai kid happily learns these life skills because she sees them as a way to help take some of the daily workload off her parents. She hopes to support herself and her parents so they dont' have to worry about anything. "Both" she and her parents feel good about this arrangement.
A Western kid views these life skills and education as a way to slowly earn his self-determination. His goal is the complete control over his own life without interference from anyone, including parents and older relatives. Eventually, "both" he and his parents hope that he will be able to move off into the world by himself. Westerners assume to suppor themselves.
A good Thai child would always try to take into consideration the feelings of her parents and elders even though there is no material obligation. She may make a compromise or accommodate her parents because she want to avoid disappointing them, or simply she wants to make them happy.
I think this habit does not only apply to parents but to others as well (only less strong). To consider the feelings of other is called "Grang jai" in Thai. Thai can decide to compromise not to fully follow her heart if that would make others feel better, if that would cause others less trouble. Being considerate of others' feelings, sacrify, and tolerant are unique Thai characters.
It is common for a Thai child to choose to keep living in her parents' home after she is a grown up to keep her parents company and to take care of them. This is viewed as high regard by the Thais. In contrust, a Western grown-up will avoid this because people will say he is incapable of being independent and it is embarrassing for both parents and child.
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The next topic: Privacy
More than loveI want to tell you that I don't expect all that much... to have things perfect right at the begining....it is unrealistic. I just wish to be with someone that I love and share my life with either in good times or difficult times....to be able to dream together, to figure out life together as we go along, to talk to, to consult with....work and fight together and take care of each other when we need someone. I think that's the best gift than having a luxerious life alone.
I have a story to tell you. :)
When I was young, my mum and dad were local government officers. Their salaries weren't much and they have two kids. They had to take care of grandma (she was living with us at that time and she was also ill and had to go to a hospitalvery often.) We also bought a house (the one I am now sitting) and need to pay to a bank every month. They had to do every way to make ends meet. You know what they did? They went to a wholesale maket to buy fruit after work everyday. Then they came back home to clean and pack them in small packages or peel them and then my mum would sell them for extra money. Not only fruit but also some bekery and many other things. My dad had to go to work in different provinces and take a cheap public bus back to see my mum and the kids every weekend. He lived a very sober life there during weekday. I see how my parents had to work so hard to pay bills for my school and that makes me realize I had to do my part (study) best as well.
My dad looks at my mum and knows that he wouldn't make it without her. She took care of the kids while also tried to earn extra living for a family. And my mum knows she wouldn't have such courage to go though all the difficulties in life without such support from my dad. I think that's the meaning of a family and that even makes all bond closer and the feeling is more than love when you go through all these together in life. You see each other deeper than just a skin deep or a beautiful look but at heart. You know who means a lot to you and that can't be replaced by someone else. To these days we are quite well off and happy but we really know where this happiness of today comes from.
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